Later stages of grieving: Wait, What?

I’m a little rusty, but it’s time to get back to writing.

This morning I realized that I’m making a lot of decisions these days that my mama would not necessarily be ok with. More precisely, I realized that I’m making a lot of decisions these days without even considering whether my mama would be ok with them.

Whoa.

That’s BIG and it happened without my knowing it was happening. At some point, I stopped considering Mama’s hypothetical opinion. Shit, even using the word “hypothetical” shows how distant her presence has become… in the present. It’s like she doesn’t even exist any more.

It’s quite a shift in perspective to be ok with her existing actively only in the past. That would have been unfathomable three years ago. Two years ago? A year ago? When exactly did this happen? I don’t know. Maybe in another few years I will be able to look back on this moment with some wisdom. For now, I just wanted to note this realization, now — that I had the realization, and then that I am ok with it. Two things.

Is this how “awareness” works? Beneath your awareness?

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